Articles

• Relationship Advice
• What does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
• What Relationship Counselling Is and What It's Not
• What makes GuysDomain different from other Psychotherapists and Relationship Counsellors?

Relationships - can't live with them, can't live without them?

The truth is we really can't live without them, not happily anyway. Statistics show that men who are in relationships live longer! It's not that hard to make the most out of our relationships, with our "significant others", parents, children, co-workers, friends and relatives.  Often the toughest relationship to change is the one we have   with ourselves. And when we work on this one, our other ones tend to improve automatically.

"Humans have always lived in groups that have been characterised by intense and persistent relationships among members."
- Irvin Yalom

"The personality is almost entirely the product of interaction with significant other human beings."
- Harry Stack Sullivan

Ultimately everything begins with our relationship with ourself, how we see ourself, the value or lack of it we place on our life, the expectations we have of ourself and other people and the attitude with which we approach every day.

Destructive relationships, toxic relationships, highly co-dependent relationships, whatever the technical term one uses to describe these, feel bad and can translate to making us physically sick. When we feel bad in relationship to others (and ourself) we tend to feel uneasy . . . we could see we are in dis-ease.

We aren't talking about the feelings of a lovesick teenager or an infatuation and feelings of affection that haven't been reciprocated by the target of our attention. What we are talking about is a situation where one or both people in the relationship are dissatisfied.

You know when you are unhappy and most of us have at one stage on our way to adulthood experienced relationships that not only didn't make us happy, as we initially hoped and dreamed, but in fact caused us substantial pain. Pain that we could feel in a very real way:

• Knot in the stomach
• Avoidance
• Nausea
• Sweaty hands
• Elevated blood pressure
• Head aches
• Loss of appetite
• Tiredness and lack of energy

• You feel like you are always giving without getting much in return.
• You often feel that your partner doesn't listen to you.
• You don't feel like your partner understands you.
• You often don't understand what your partner wants from you.
• You don't feel like your partner cares about you.
• You feel like you are always giving into the other person and letting them have it their way.
• You find it difficult to explain to your partner what you want from them.
• You find it difficult to bring up certain subjects that you really feel need discussion and attention in your relationship.
• You feel valued only for what you provide or even worse you don't even feel valued and appreciated for what you provide.
• Sometimes you are physically scared of the other person.
• You feel constantly put down (that's called emotional abuse!)
• You have lost the emotional and physical connection with your partner.
• You can't help but think what it would be like to no longer be in this relationship.
• You spend time wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (the grass is always greener...)
• You argue a lot or have too much conflict.

The list could go on and on...

All of us have experienced feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and anxiety. The emotional stress is physically draining.

Please note if you feel these things this does not necessarily mean the other person is not good to be with. It can mean that you need to learn how to assert yourself better. It is an opportunity to take ownership of your life and your relationship and regain your power. Alternatively it may mean that you are both better off pursuing more rewarding relationships with other people.

Relationship Advice

Many people tend to choose the easiest immediate solution to their relationship problems - and that is just to ignore the problem. Ignoring the problem does make it disappear for a while but more often than not it will resurface in a larger form.  Trouble is, this could mean the relationship may end when it could have simply been a glitch that both could have learnt from. American psychologist James Hillman is noted for his interesting questioning of things.  Instead of asking yourself, "What is my relationship giving me?" he may have asked you to think about a question like "What is my relationship asking of me?"

So what's the answer? You! There is nothing else. The better you know you and the better the relationship you have with your inner self, the better ALL your relationships will be.

If you expect the other person to change, they won't. Whether this is your wife, husband, your boss, your friends, your children or your parents, they are all busy thinking you will change, so I wouldn't count on them. If you wait for the other to change you remain powerless.

If you try and control your circumstances, you will be disappointed because 'life' happens to us all. If you want to wait until tomorrow to begin really living and not just surviving or existing, then you can expect to live a life that is dull and tasteless void of any passion or pleasure.

At GuysDomain, we often refer to this as "living for the future" without enjoying today. We have all heard "I'll be happy when..." and you can substitute anything you like here:

• I'll be happy when I get a better job
• I'll be happy when I get a promotion
• I'll be happy when I get a divorce
• I'll be happy when I the children finish school
• I'll be happy when I save up for a house deposit
• I'll be happy when I pay off my debts
• I'll be happy when I retire...

You'll be happy when you die! The simple reason you are not happy today is caused by the way you see yourself first and foremost, which then leads to the way you look at life and everything and everyone in it - all those people that you have relationships with.

The person you can count on is you! You can count on you because you are the only person you can do anything about.

Q: How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light globe?
A: Just one, but the light globe has to want to change!

Once you decide you are dependable and trustworthy to bring about change to your life and your relationships, you will have the power to do so and GuysDomain helps you find this in yourself. We can work with you if you want. But we can't do it for you.

Like an aircraft flying from one destination to the other, its course is constantly being adjusted due to a number of factors. There is no such thing as a 'direct flight', without constant deliberate recalibrations the plane - your flight - would never arrive. Small changes cumulatively affect the larger changes necessary to reach your planned destination. The result is the desired difference in our lives.

So what does a healthy relationship look like?

A healthy relationship is easy to spot. You know it when you are in it:

• A healthy relationship is flexible and copes with differences between the partners.
• A healthy relationship sheds tears. There are difficulties. Problems are dealt with, not avoided.
• A healthy relationship expresses love easily and regularly - this is the air that it breathes to survive.
• In a healthy relationship there is equality.
• In a healthy relationship there is individuality, external interests, and shared interests.
• A healthy relationship has positive physical expression. There is openness and vulnerability. There is 'above the belt' fighting. You hold back when it's appropriate; not everything has to be said. You don't intentionally say things to hurt your partner or to evoke a reaction.
• In a healthy relationship there are personal struggles that arise as a result of the coming together as a couple. A healthy relationship addresses these, either individually or together.
• In a healthy relationship there is plenty of giving. And this requires the ability to receive. There is plenty of taking. And this requires knowing that 'I deserve'.
• There is a shared vision for the relationship and there is acceptance of personal responsibility.
• Even the best relationships can be hard work, but the time you invest into your relationship and yourself will be worth it. You are worth it.

What Relationship Counselling Is and What It's Not

A Relationship Counselling Professional is someone who is skilled at understanding what a relationship is and how to help the two people in it bring about positive change.

Relationship Counselling is a place where "this thing called a relationship" is being understood. It is a place that looks at the dynamic that exists between two people. It is a place where the relationship itself is the client, not just the two individuals.

Relationship Counselling explores what each person brings to create the dynamic that they have and helps both people take responsibility for what they bring.

Relationship counselling challenges personal beliefs and examines the ideas, opinions, values, thoughts and family history that each partner brings to the relationship.

• Impartial
• Safe
• Confidential
• Supportive

• Person A getting Person B to change because A can't tolerate B's bad habits
• Person A works on issues from their early family life and B listens
• Person B changing to fit A's idea of a 'perfect' partner
• Two individual counselling sessions going on simultaneously

Please note: Guy Vicars (GuysDomain) is a member of The Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors which is the peak professional body in Australia for practitioners who work in this area.

Criteria for Clinical Membership are exacting and require considerable experience. AARC members are located nationally. Please see www.aarc.org.au

The AARC is a member Association of the Psychotherapy And Counselling Federation of Australia. PACFA ensures standards of clinical competence. See www.pacfa.org.au

What makes GuysDomain different from other Psychotherapists and Relationship Counsellors?

Your issues are serious to us; however we don't take ourselves too seriously.

We have a sense of humour; in fact Guy Vicars (Master of Counselling, UNE; Graduate Diploma of Individual Psychotherapy and Relationship Therapy JNI; Bachelor Business, UWS; Clinical member Australian Association of Relationship Counsellors; Beach Bum; Red Wine Lover; Appreciator of Fine Legs and All Things Italian) attends "Humourversity" and is serious about making your relationship counselling experience as painless and as fun as it could possibly be. Our philosophy is that just because we assist you in dealing with serious issues, it doesn't mean we can't help you have fun in the process.

There is now ample scientific evidence on the healing power of humour and its power in helping us cope with and diffuse negative emotions such as anger, sadness and frustration.

At GuysDomain, as our name suggests, we focus on issues and challenges faced by men. Why do we focus on men and the relationships they have? As a Relationship Counsellor and your 'normal average guy', I have seen an increasing need for men to have another man to talk to with respect to their emotional wellbeing, whilst most psychotherapists and relationship counsellors are still women. This is not to say that they haven't done a great job, or that a man is any better. Our specialisation does, however, provide you with a choice. Women are most welcome at GuysDomain and constitute almost 50% of our clients. In fact, our focus on male issues often provides our female clients with a much deeper understanding of their partner. I also see many women who have issues about men that they can work through more powerfully precisely because they are working with a male.

The changing nature of our society - from the breakdown of the "traditional family", to the changing nature of traditional male and female roles that our parents grew  up with, to the pace of technological change and workplace demands and practices - has resulted in new roles and expectations for today's "modern male".  All of these issues have resulted in more stress than ever before.

Today's male is also better informed and thus less inclined to grin and bear it, through thick and thin like our fathers, and why should we? We are more educated and more willing to work on our issues, and this is better for men and women. We demand a better quality of life for ourselves and our loved ones.

Call us on 03 9534 1222 or fill in the form below

Go on call us now; all calls are treated with strict confidentiality and our initial phone discussion is free and without any obligations.

What are you waiting for? Every day that goes by is one you don't get back... you choose whether it's now or later.

Guy Vicars
GuysDomain - where real men grow!

PS: We have those really big man size tissues if you ever need them. Yes I know there is that saying about "a big issue over a small tissue" but I didn't think it was that funny...